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How to Actually Deal With Difficult People at Work
Published 21 days ago • 3 min read
Hello Reader,
I've been knee-deep in research for a training on workplace civility I'm building for a client, and somewhere around the fortieth story of a boss who wouldn't stop, a coworker who nitpicked everything and offered nothing, or a client whose on-the-verge-of-abusive behaviour went unaddressed, I noticed that incivility is really just what difficult people do, over and over - the same handful of moves, dressed up in different job titles.
Just being near it is enough to tank your focus and creativity, whether you're the target or not. One bad actor doesn't just hurt themselves, they tax everyone around them.
Here's what I found, and what actually works:
1- The critic with no solution. Nitpicks everything, offers nothing. The fix I've seen work best isn't a harder conversation, it's a structural one: no proposed solution, no review. On one workplace committee, that single rule changed everything - "some people hated it, but the meetings finally got productive." An even lighter version: "Great, when can you start on that?" Works every time. The people who just want to vent get filtered out on their own, and what's left is a room actually solving problems instead of just naming them.
2 - The ghost. Vanishes the moment responsibility lands on them - goes quiet, gets "busy," suddenly hard to reach. The fix isn't chasing them down, it's building a paper trail before it's needed: "Just confirming you're handling X, right?" in writing. Once it's documented, there's no grey area to disappear into, and if it keeps happening, you've already got the evidence.
3 - The guilt-tripper. Acknowledge it once. Second time, change the subject. A classic example: You finish your work, leave on time - and still get a pointed comment the next day about how nice it must be. Respond to the feeling once, briefly, and move on. If it comes up again, don't defend yourself, don't rehash it - just redirect. "Noted. Anyway, did you see the numbers from Tuesday?" You cannot win an argument about guilt, because it was never really about what time you left.
4 - The silent treatment. Don't make it your job to fix their mood. The instinct is to close the gap - over-explain, apologize for something you're not sure you did, try to talk your way back into their good graces. That's energy spent on something you don't control. What you do control is naming it plainly if it's affecting your work: "I've noticed you've been distant, is something going on?" - and then not chasing the answer if it doesn't come.
5 - The boss who won't stop. Most of us have worked for the effective-but-abrasive boss at some point - someone whose results seem to excuse the behaviour. But that's a myth worth retiring. Work through it in order: name the behaviour directly when it's safe to, and document repeated incidents. If that doesn't change anything, look for ways to limit contact - different reporting line, different team, less direct exposure. And if nothing moves, escalate past them. You don't need to win the fight. You just need to stop needing to.
One caveat to mention - don't leave your workplace every time someone's difficult, you'll meet them at the next job too. The real question is whether leadership knows and does nothing. If so, it's not a coworker problem anymore. That's a management one.
From the Training Room
Not every client training allows me to post what I'm doing with them, but this one offers a small glimpse into what it's like working with me. A couple of weeks ago, I was brought in to a PR agency to work with their account services staff. I led them through a "charisma card sort" - breaking charisma into presence, power, and warmth, then having them sort real behaviours into each bucket. What gets people every time is realizing how much they already knew instinctively.
I'm working on an incivility program for a management team, an etiquette program for a unionized workforce, a couple of keynotes, networking workshops, training a retirement facility's staff on handling difficult calls, and a workshop for University students to help launch them successfully into the workforce. If any of that sounds like something your team needs, reply and let's talk. And if you want to check out our training programs, you can find them here.
On the Podcast This Week:
I sat down with Hilda Gan, longtime HR consultant and people-first leadership expert, for a conversation on building workplaces people actually want to stay in. Hilda is a third-generation Canadian - her family's been here since the railroad era - and she grew up in a mostly non-Chinese neighbourhood, culturally in-between in a way she didn't have language for until she was a teenager. It's a rich story, and it shows up in how she thinks about belonging at work. Worth the listen.
If this week's email resonated, you're not alone - nearly everyone's dealing with one of these five right now. Here's hoping yours gets easier this week.
Subscribe for tips on handling workplace challenges, building communication and social skills, and exclusive course updates. Hear success stories from professionals, perfect for young professionals and leaders aiming to sharpen their skills and foster respect.
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