Hello Reader,
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As many of you know, last fall I attended a Business Etiquette Train the Trainer program with The Emily Post Institute, and one topic sparked quite the debate: the seemingly innocent question, "Where are you from?"

My Love Affair with This Question

I'll admit it - this has always been one of my favourite questions to ask. Growing up in Trinidad and Tobago, then living in Scotland and traveling extensively through Europe before settling in Canada, I've developed a genuine passion for people, cultures and their stories. But honestly, I learned the power of this question from my late father, who worked across the globe - spending time in Africa, the US, and Europe before we settled in Canada. He had this remarkable natural ability to connect with people more quickly than anyone I've ever known, and this single question was his secret weapon. I watched him build trust, spark connection, and draw out the most incredible stories from people with just those five simple words. As someone who used to paint portraits of people with diverse backgrounds, I discovered that asking about someone's origins often opened doorways to fascinating conversations about food, traditions, history, and the beautiful complexity of human experience.

There's something magical about learning about the origin of someone's last name, about the series of Irish pubs a colleague's family owns, that their grandmother makes the most incredible dumplings, or discovering that the person beside you at a conference grew up just hours from where your cousin lives overseas. These connections have enriched my life immeasurably.

The Etiquette Expert's Perspective

But here's where it gets interesting. The Emily Post Institute's position? Don't ask this question.

Their reasoning is sound: when asked directly - especially between people who appear visibly different - "Where are you from?" can carry an uncomfortable subtext of "I belong here, but you look like you don't." It can feel like an othering question rather than a connecting one.

A DEI trainer who visited my husband's workplace echoed this sentiment, but she added a crucial caveat: If you're going to ask, have a meaningful follow-up ready.

The difference between "Oh, Lebanon? Cool." and "Oh, Lebanon? My neighbour makes incredible mamoul - do you have a favourite Lebanese dessert?" is the difference between making someone feel interrogated versus genuinely seen and valued.

When It Goes Right (And Wrong)

Just recently, I had lunch with some new friends during a course we were taking together. Mid-way through the day, as we got to know one another better, I asked where they were originally from. When they shared that they were from Iran, our conversation immediately blossomed. We discussed everything from tahdig (that incredible saffron rice with the crispy golden edges) to the fact that they both spoke Farsi. They recommended some excellent restaurants, and we discovered we shared a favourite - Pomegranate on Toronto's College Street. I told them about the time my husband made fesenjan at home after being inspired by that very restaurant - that beautiful chicken stew with the rich pomegranate and walnut base. We talked about their families, the impeccable manners and poise they were raised with, and how much they admired that level of class their own families had and wanted to emulate in their interactions with family and colleagues. That single question opened doors to conversations about travel, culture, family values, and so much more.

But I've also seen it go wrong. I once asked a gentleman with a Caribbean accent where he was from, and he became visibly uncomfortable. It wasn't until I explained, "I'm only asking because I'm from Trinidad, and I have a feeling you might be from the Caribbean too," that his entire demeanour shifted: "Oh, you are?! I'm from Trinidad too - which part are you from?" What followed was a delightful conversation between two Trinis who'd found each other far from home.
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These encounters reinforced something important for me: context and intention matter enormously.

The Workplace Dilemma

In professional settings, we need clearer guidelines. After much reflection, here's my proposed approach:

Let cultural sharing happen organically: Instead of leading with "Where are you from?", try building genuine relationships first. Ask about weekend plans, favourite restaurants, or holiday traditions. Often, origin stories emerge naturally in these conversations - and when they do, people feel more comfortable sharing because the foundation of mutual interest has already been established.

If you do ask directly, come prepared to contribute meaningfully to the conversation. Have a genuine reason for asking and something valuable to add once you receive an answer.

Finding the Balance

I still believe there's tremendous value in learning about each other's backgrounds and cultures. The question isn't whether we should be curious about one another - we absolutely should be. The question is how we express that curiosity in ways that build bridges rather than highlight differences.

Perhaps the real skill lies not in avoiding the question entirely, but in developing the emotional intelligence to know when, how, and why to ask it.

What's Your Take on This?

Have you experienced this question in ways that felt connecting or alienating? How do you navigate cultural curiosity in professional settings? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences.
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Warm regards,
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Trina Boos
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Founder & CEO
Boost Academy of Excellence