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"I'm Sorry, But..." Isn't an Apology
Published 2 months ago • 3 min read
Hello Reader,
A while back, I had a particularly stressful week, and I was shorter with a team member than I normally would be. I knew it the moment it happened. She knew it. Everyone else in the room knew it, too - it was out of character for me.
So I apologized. Sort of. What I actually said was: "I'm sorry I snapped, but I was getting hit from every direction that week."
That "but" undid almost everything before it. Looking back, I wasn't trying to excuse what I'd done. I think I just didn't want her to think less of me - to think this was who I really was. So instead of simply owning it, I reached for context. What I should have said was simpler: "I'm sorry I snapped. That was uncalled for, and you deserve better. I won't do it again." No context. No defense. Just the apology, standing on its own.
I've thought about that moment a lot since, because I see this same pattern everywhere in the workplace - and most of the time, the apology never happens at all.
What's Actually Stopping It
It's rarely malice. It's pride. That instinct I felt in the moment - to protect how I was seen, rather than simply own what I'd done - is exactly what pride looks like in practice.
We use that word carelessly. "I'm proud of my team" and "his pride is the problem" mean two very different things, but we say them with the same word. One is healthy - the pleasure of seeing something you contributed to succeed. The other is a shift from "I'm glad this went well" to "you should be impressed by me." That shift, from being focused outward to focused entirely on protecting your own image, is where the trouble starts.
It shows up constantly at work: the manager who can't admit a missed deadline because it might make them look less capable.
The colleague who redirects blame instead of owning a mistake.
The "I'm sorry, but-" that explains itself right out of being an apology at all.
I don't think I'm alone in this. That little resistance right before an apology - the urge to explain instead of just own it - I think most of us know it well.
Why It Matters
An apology that never comes - or a half one, buried under explanation - teaches a team something: mistakes here get justified, not owned. That lesson spreads until nobody wants to be the first to say "that was on me."
Author Rick Warren said humility isn't thinking less of yourself - it's thinking of yourself less. A real apology asks for exactly that. For one moment, set down the need to be seen as right, and focus entirely on the person you affected. That's what makes it a gift, not an obligation.
What a Real Apology Sounds Like
Name what happened, specifically. Not "if that came across wrong" - but exactly what you did.
Acknowledge the impact, not just the action.
Stop talking. Skip the explanation. In the moment, it almost always sounds like an excuse, even when you don't mean it that way.
Say what's different going forward - even one sentence, such as, "I won't do that again."
Short. Specific. No "but."
The leaders I've worked with who can do this - clearly, without qualification - earn a different kind of trust. Their teams take more risks and speak up sooner, because there's no ego left to manage.
So this week: think about who might still be waiting on a real apology from you. Not "sorry, but." Just sorry.
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